Oh, it's the Cheese Lady...again.

I've mentioned before about the lamentable state of dairy products on offer here in OZ. These poor blighters sink their teeth into puce-colored rubber because the package says it is cheese. The type? Tasty. You know, like Gouda, Havarti, Swiss or Cheddar--Tasty. I am here to tell you that it is neither cheese nor tasty. One bite into this nasty stuff will send you into raptures of swimming in vats of warm Velveeta. And loving it.

So what is a gal to do on the odd occasion where she just cannot live without real cheese? Well, there is the gourmet food section of the toney department store, David Jones. They have real cheese with prices up to $123/kilo (just under $60 a pound.) The local grocery stores, Woolworth's & Coles, do have Brie and Camembert available and the King Island brand is my preferred brand. King Island is a little speck in the Bass Strait just northwest of the island state of Tasmania. The air and water there are said to be the purest in OZ. Which makes the beef legendary (probably because no one can buy it anywhere) and its cheeses prize winning. While not costing a king's ransom, it is still too dear for our budget--at regular retail.

I have taken to trolling the dairy aisle checking for expiration dates. I pick out cheeses that have long been expired but not plucked from the shelves with my left hand and in my right hand pick up the King Island packets due that day. I find the person in charge of dairy and hand them the out-of-dates with a most sympathetic look. Unfortunately for retailers, it is not legal in this state to sell past-date dairy products. Such a waste, tsk tsk. And then I present them with my now-or-never beauties for a price reduction. "I would be happy to save you from throwing this away in a mere few hours if you mark it down appropriately, say, to one dollar?" And so the 250 gram, $9.95 round of cheese is mine for a buck. This works quite well at my local Coles. In fact, most of the dairy case folks now know what I will propose even before I open my mouth. Saves energy all the way around.

Woolworth's is a slightly tougher nut to crack, especially for so ...reasonable...a discount. Recently, I spotted an empty shelf where eggs had been on sale for $1.99 instead of their usual $4-5 per dozen. "Oh, how disappointing. Gee, Grant, do you think a substitution can be made?", I ask the stock clerk. This is an unheard of concept in this country--making a substitution for a sale product that has run out. However, Grant didn't laugh. He recognized me. He looked for a similar product: XL, grain fed, dozen. "This expires at the end of this month, will that be OK for you?", he asks earnestly. I think so and he replaces the $4.69 price tag with one that says $1.88.

Now, I know many people who are very adverse to the idea of buying food so close to expiration date. Indeed, there are comestibles that I would not even consider purchasing with very little life left in them. But ripe cheese just gets riper, eggs are stored in warehouses for months before they make it to the store shelves (fresh eggs will not hard boil in under 20 minutes, as a matter of fact) and even bottled water has a legally-mandated expiration date. So I buy with confidence and consume in good time.

And enjoy my reputation.